remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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