before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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