She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
