Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
