onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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