We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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