remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
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First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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