he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
