i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
