I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
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My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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