I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
