i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
