plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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