I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
