i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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