So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize