I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
