Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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