thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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