Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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