He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
