I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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