I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
