No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
