I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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