happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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