I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.