He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation