I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
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I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?