I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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