we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
