so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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