who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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