Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
