Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
