I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Drunk is not a location!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
