Betty ford says i'm here all night
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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