can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
