If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
