She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
