i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
