she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
