She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
