apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
