Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I cannot find my penis.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
