im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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