fuck your aforementioned shoe
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
