you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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