you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
