Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
