im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
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In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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