if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
