I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
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At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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