I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
