I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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